Incapacitated by Misadventure
by Nienna Nir
Summary: Earth's Mightiest Heroes have some serious issues navigating their down time. Part of the Series: Coulson Lives but the Avengers might be the death of him.


"Okay, has everyone had something to eat or do we need more muffins?" Phil asked, a frown creasing his brow as he stared at the holographic screen that hovered in front of him, a wireless keyboard and trackpad wedged against the arm of the easy chair he was slouched in.

"You never actually stop being Team Dad, do you?" Clint asked, his laptop balanced on a couch cushion on his lap as he sprawled across the sofa. Phil threw him a perturbed look that Clint ignored.

"How do I eat the muffin?" Steve asked from where he was seated on the floor in front of the coffee table, hunching over his own laptop screen.

"Open up your inventory and double click on it," Natasha replied from her spot almost directly behind him on the sofa. "What did you do with all the trail biscuits I sent you a couple of days ago?" She shifted the lap desk holding her StarkBook enough to lean forward and get a look at his screen.

"Oh dear god, you still have them all?" she demanded in exasperation, slumping back down with a sigh as Steve's ears turned red.

"Kids, play nice," Phil insisted, shaking his head. "This is supposed to be fun."

"I don't get this game," Bucky observed, leaning over the back of the other section of the sofa to stare at the projection screen hovering in front of Thor. The Asgardian was sitting cross-legged in socks and sweatpants, his fingertips gently tapping at the holographic interface.

"It's like," Steve paused, his lips curling crookedly. "I was going to say it's like board games without the board but it's nothing like that, actually."

"It's a cooperative rather than competitive effort," Phil explained patiently. "We're putting together a group to engage a simulated computer controlled threat."

"So it's like that week when that kid in the advanced robotics program at Cal-Tech had a nervous breakdown," Bucky replied. Phil stared back at him mutely.

"Sure, suck the fun out of it, why don't you?" Clint declared, rolling his eyes as he dug into the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos stuffed between the couch cushions.

"He kind of has a point," Steve admitted. Clint made a huffing sound, slouching further into the corner of the sofa.

"You're getting crumbs on your keyboard," Phil said with a frown. "How can you even play?" Clint ignored him, licking salt off his thumb.

"Hurry it up, Steve, we're waiting for you guys," he prodded, reaching out with one sock-clad foot to lightly poke at Steve's shoulder.

"I'm coming," Steve assured, returning his attention to his screen.

"I am uncertain where I am," Thor admitted finally, tilting his head to the side as he studied the display. Bucky glanced up at the massive TV, it's widescreen showing a broad view of an idyllic green countryside at night.

"I think you're south of where you're supposed to be?" Bucky supplied with a frown, glancing between the pair of screens.

"How do we have a remote camera view?" Clint asked suspiciously watching the TV as a diminutive red-headed figure in black snuck up on a wild boar, attacking it with the aid of an elf in a red tunic. "I'm pretty sure that's not a built-in feature."

"I worked something out with Jarvis," Natasha answered dismissively, waving a hand at him.

"Thor, that-" Bucky paused, pulling a face. "Dude, do not get distracted by the pie eating contest."

"Are you at the festival grounds?" Phil asked with an accusatory frown. Thor looked up at him, his expression completely guileless.

"There is a very colorful tent," Thor replied. Phil only stared back at him.

"Just stay there, I'll come get you," Natasha said finally, hiding her smile.

"Steve, where are you?" Phil asked, stifling his sigh.

"I'm coming," Steve assured. "I just need to find somewhere to empty my inventory."

"We could just get started and they can catch up," Clint suggested. On the TV an elf dressed in blue leapt onto a rock, drawing back his bow to take aim at a wolf.

"Or we could show some patience and consideration and wait," Phil replied.

"I hate waiting," Clint admitted.

"Thor and I are almost there," Natasha said, stretching out on the sofa and kicking his foot. "I need some hides, we can hunt bears until Steve shows up."

"I'm coming," Steve assured. On the TV a bearded figure lunged at a bear the elf archer had been targeting, the redhead scampering after him.

"Thor, I thought you were going to play a Dwarf," Steve observed, watching the combat on the TV distractedly.

"Yeah, I went to set him up and he noticed the Beorn." Clint said with a shrug.

"I can turn into a bear!" Thor announced delightedly, demonstrating.

"It was pretty much a lost argument from there," Clint observed. "Steve seriously, shake a leg."

"Yeah, yeah, it takes a while to get there!" Steve replied.

"What are you kids doing in here?" Tony demanded, appearing on the threshold from the kitchen, a coffee mug clutched in one hand.

"We're playing Lord of the Rings Online," Natasha replied, offering him a challenging look. Tony seemed unconcerned. "Is there a problem?"

"Honestly, Nataliee Rushbog," Tony read off the screen, pausing to make an amused face at her. "I sort of pegged you guys for Team Fortress 2."

"Phil plays that," Clint replied, wrinkling his nose. "Too many guns and no bows. This is way better."

"Clint discovered it a couple of months ago," Phil supplied.

"And this is what, some sort of team building exercise?" Tony asked. "I'm a little hurt that I wasn't included. I mean, I'm kind of offended on Bruce's behalf because you clearly didn't include him either, but mostly it's all about me."

"Bruce hates this kind of stuff," Clint replied with a shrug. "And it's your wifi, we figured you already knew about it."

"Firstly, you're assuming I have time to waste spying on your internet history," Tony replied. "Which I don't, by the way, I'm a busy man. Secondly, you're also assuming that you're interesting enough to warrant my limited free time. Which you most definitely aren't."

"I'm offended by that," Clint announced.

"You spend all day on Reddit arguing with Men's Rights Activists," Steve reminded.

"Roddgers Stephens?" Tony asked with a condescending tone. "Honestly, you couldn't do better than that?" Steve made a face at him, hunching down over his laptop.

"You're welcome to play," Phil said diplomatically, turning away from his screen to glance over his shoulder.

"I think there's enough nerd in this herd already," Tony replied, hopping over the back of the sofa and flopping down between Natasha and Clint. "But this, I have to see."

"And a minute ago he was talking about how uninteresting we are," Natasha said drily.

"Hey, there's more bears over this way," Clint stated. On the TV the elf archer had scrambled onto some rocks and was waving his arms frantically.

"You probably don't want to do that," Phil advised cautiously. "There's a whole mess of them near the trees."

"I can handle a few bears," Clint replied, waving him off with casual indifference.

"You're not playing, Seven of Nine?" Tony asked, throwing a teasing grin at Barnes.

"I know when I'm licked before I start," Bucky replied shaking his head.

"Steve, are you planning on joining us today, because the sun is almost up," Natasha teased. Steve gave her a sidelong look.

"I didn't realize hobbits melted in sunlight," he said drolly.

"Sassy, that one," Tony said with a snicker.

"Thor, where did you go?" Phil asked.

"I am following Hawkeye," Thor replied.

"That's probably not your best decision," Bucky warned. "I mean, I have no idea what's going on here, but even I know that."

"Clint, where did you go?" Phil repeated the question, glaring at the archer.

"I'm here!" Steve announced.

"Oh," Clint said softly, going very still. Natasha looked up from her screen, her eyes narrowing.

"You did it again, didn't you?" she asked.

"What's going on?" Steve asked, glancing between his screen and the TV. "Where did everyone go?"

"Shit," Clint swore, looking resigned. "Um, Thor? Run."

"Oh look," Natasha declared drolly. "Bear parade."

"I told you," Phil scowled. "I told you not to go that way, why did you go that way?"

"Bears!" Clint crowed, his character running by, a pack of eight bears and Thor close on his heels.

"Why does he do anything?" Natasha shook her head.

"I'm coming," Steve assured. "I… Tasha, where did you go?" Steve asked, his brow furrowing.

"She's sneaking again," Phil replied, stabbing frantically at his keyboard.

"Well I can't sweet talk bears," she pointed out. "I'm certainly not going all the way back to the respawn point."

"I have fallen," Thor declared, his lip protruding in a pout.

"Wheee, bears!" Clint shouted as his character continued to run in circles, trailing bears behind him.

"Thor, don't hit the revive yet," Phil instructed. "Give me a second to clear out a bear or two."

"It seems dishonorable to lie upon the ground like a corpse while one's comrades are engaged in battle," Thor observed.

"Trust me, it's more dishonorable to go all the way back to the respawn point," Natasha insisted. "You're good, I've got you covered."

"Where did all these bears come from anyway?" Steve asked, jabbing at his keyboard frantically.

"Clint's kind of like the master of aggro," Natasha answered with a slight frown before darting a look at Clint. "Don't stop running, we've almost got them all." Clint shot her a grin, digging his shoulders into the couch cushions and shoving Doritos in his mouth as he hummed Don't Rain on My Parade half under his breath.

"I have no idea what that even means," Steve admitted with a sigh.

"Roll with it, Stevie," Bucky advised, crossing his arms on the back of the sofa and resting his chin on them.

"That was great," Clint declared with a wicked grin.

"You and I have every different ideas about what constitutes a good time," Natasha observed.

"Is it too late to get out of this fellowship?" Phil asked, glaring at Clint. "This game is much less stressful if you just muddle along on your own."

"I'll stay out of trouble," Clint promised. "Come on, it wouldn't have been so bad if you'd called up one of your pets. We'll be fine from here, there's plenty of us and you and I are high enough to take this area on our own." Phil looked as if he were about to say something but only shook his head, jabbing at his keyboard with slightly more than the necessary violence.

"Oh dear god what is that thing?" Steve demanded, leaning back against the sofa to stare up at the TV in horror.

"Bog-lurker," Natasha replied.

"A what, now?" Steve's face contorted in confusion as he turned to stare at her.

"Shall we attack it?" Thor asked, his expression brightening.

"It's Phil's pet," Clint explained, "he's going to have our six so we avoid the near-death experiences next time."

"Can we just not have a next time?" Phil pleaded.

"It looks like a tree had an untoward relationship with a six foot spider," Bucky observed, pulling a face.

"Why is it named 'Fury'?" Tony questioned suspiciously, a faint smile curling his lips.

"It attacks from underground and you're normally dead before you know anything's coming for you," Phil replied defensively.

"Apt," Thor observed, nodding sagely.

"This is so far off the rails I don't even know when it left the station," Natasha muttered. "Okay, boys, is everyone ready?"

"Oh! Hey!" Steve exclaimed over the sounds of general assent, his expression brightening. "I picked up some new armor! Give me a second, I want to try it out."

"Dude, just loot and move on you can play with your new outfits later," Clint sighed, glancing up at the TV. He paused a moment, blinking slowly.

"Steve," Natasha said, the corner of her mouth quirking up only slightly. "Your ass is pink."

"I can see that," Steve replied with a hint of frustration.

"Natasha, stop laughing," Phil scolded as Nataliee the Hobbit rolled around in the grass, her legs kicking gleefully. Natasha only gave him a blank look in reply, completely straight faced.

"How do I un-pink?" Steve huffed.

"Dude, it's like that fan art Darcy reblogged to her Tumblr," Clint said, a wide grin spreading across his face.

"She comes up with the best crap," Tony nodded in agreement.

"Clint," Phil snapped warningly.

"No, really, all of us decked out in Hello Kitty," Clint insisted. "It's awesome!"

"You are a child," Natasha observed as Steve scowled at his keyboard.

"Can we do that?" Clint pleaded, grasping the top edge of his laptop screen and peering over it at Tony. "Can you hack a mod so we could all have Hello Kitty gear in game?"

"Clint, no." Natasha protested.

"Aw, come on."

"Clint, I am an elf of Rivendell," Phil insisted. "And I will not wear Sanrio."

"Where are we, anyway?" Steve asked, studying the screen as his character spun in a circle. "I think we ended up pretty far from where we started being chased by bears."

"We're almost to the quest area I wanted to check out," Clint observed, his character heading east through the trees. "It can't be far from here."

"Actually, I think it's North," Phil protested, but the others were already following after Clint.

"At least they can stick together," Bucky pointed out as Tony snickered into his fist. Phil shook his head, trailing after them.

"Maybe I should get up on the ridge up there and get a better view," Clint said looking around with a frown.

"Do not get on the ridge," Natasha gave him a warning look. "You'll fall and break your leg."

"I don't fall," Clint protested.

"No, you leap off intentionally because it takes too long to go around and then we can't run away," Natasha agreed.

"You make it all sound way worse than it actually is," Clint insisted. "It's not like I actually get damaged."

"The part I don't get," Tony directed at Phil, "is how you got pulled into this."

"It's an amazement to me too," Phil replied, leaning over the arm of his chair to grab his StarkPad. "I'll check the wiki, it should have coordinates."

"Oh, hey," Clint perked up, his expression curious. "There are some ruins or something over here! I've never been here."

"Clint," Phil warned him cautiously, "give me a second to look it up."

"Oh come on, how bad can it be, this is a level 20 zone," Clint huffed. "I'm level 25, you're almost 30 for crying out loud, it'll be fine."

"I'm 17 and I'm staying right here," Steve insisted, hanging back on the edge of the forest behind Phil and Natasha.

"If he does anything else that's likely to get us all killed I'm teleporting out of here," Natasha announced as Phil crept a few steps forward.

"Holy shit!" Clint swore, bumping into the back of Doritos and sending a handful of them scattering across the floor. "Um, um… help?"

"Oh my god, what did you do?" Phil demanded as Clint's character raced by a moment later, several sword wielding brutes in pursuit. "Clint there's a level 55 half-orc attacking me! Why is there a level 55 half-orc attacking me?"

"Well it's not my fault! This is a level 20 zone!"

"We're all going to die," Steve announced fatalistically as Tony doubled over laughing and several more half-orcs spilled over the hillside, descending on them.

"This is fun," Bucky observed, nodding slowly. "And I'm considered the mentally unstable one in this century."

"Kind of makes you question humanity in general, doesn't it?" Tony grinned, struggling to hide his laughter.

"If I didn't before, I do now," Bucky agreed.

"What was that?" Natasha demanded as the half-orc she was trying desperately to fight off collapsed in a spray of flames. Steve jolted in surprise as a blond figure in a blue dress raced past him, a lute clutched in her hands as half-orcs crumpled before her.

"Who the hell are these guys?" Bucky asked as a second elf descended into the fray, flames shooting from his hands.

"No idea," Clint shook his head as the female elf pulverized the half-orc attacking him. "But that is all kinds of hot."

"Hey guys! Stay in tight, we've got you covered!" a voice announced over the in-house comms.

"Bryn?" Steve declared in surprise as Bryn's face appeared in the PIP in the corner of the TV screen.

"Okay, now I feel dirty," Clint admitted, pulling a face.

"Phil, pull back a bit," Bryn directed. "Try to draw them over by Jarvis, he can't cast and run at the same time."

"Jarvis?" Phil asked in wonder, blinking.

"Agent Romanov, you're on the very edge of my range," Jarvis stated.

"You don't have to tell me twice," Natasha shook her head, beating a hasty retreat.

"Steve, you're almost dead, move back and protect Clint's flank, I don't have time to heal you right now." Bryn ordered. "Phil are you okay?"

"Barely," Phil admitted sucking in a deep breath.

"I think I've taken out the last of them, but we should pull back to a safe distance," Jarvis advised.

"Oh my god, that was terrifying!" Steve declared, flopping back on the floor with a groan.

"I found it a most engaging experience," Thor stated happily. Bucky shook his head, rolling his eyes as the slightly battered fellowship slunk back to the cover of the trees.

"What are you guys doing here?" Bryn asked in amusement, her grin bright on the TV screen. "This is a level 55 zone. Didn't you check the wiki?"

"What are we doing here?" Clint asked, slightly outraged. "What are you doing here?"

"Well we were getting ready to head out into Mirkwood," Bryn observed.

"However, I was suddenly made aware of a rather dangerous situation in Far Chetwood," Jarvis added drily.

"You're level 63!" Clint protested. "You're both level 63, how long have you been playing this game!?"

"Off and on for a little over a year maybe?" Bryn asked.

"Fifteen and a half months," Jarvis supplied.

"That," Bryn nodded in agreement.

"You never said anything!" Clint huffed.

"You never asked," Jarvis pointed out.

"See this is what you get for assuming people will speak up if they're interested in your toys," Tony teased with a glee-filled grin.

"And this is where I get off the crazy train," Bucky announced, rolling to his feet and stuffing his hands into the pockets of his battered jeans.

"You didn't know about this either, did you?" Clint demanded, glaring at Natasha over Tony's head as Tony tipped over into the sofa, laughing maniacally.

"Hey, Jay?" Bucky inquired softly as he slipped down the hall and out of shouting range.

"How may I help you, Sergeant Barnes?" The AI enquired.

"I was wondering if maybe you and Bryn would consider teaching me how to play that game?" he asked hesitantly. "It's just, it looks kind of fun… if you know what you're doing."

"I would be happy to ask Bryn for you and let you know," Jarvis replied, his tone amused. "But I imagine she would be only too happy to help you."

"Great!" Bucky said brightly as he boarded the lift. "Oh, hey, one more thing?"

"Yes?"

"Would you mind not mentioning it to Steve?" He asked hesitantly.

"Naturally, Sergeant," Jarvis replied.

* * *

Author's Notes:

The Avengers, Arandeon, Nataliee, Thornily, Roddgers, and Rochmeldir can be found regularly playing on LOTRO's Crickhollow Server. You might also spot their support team; Laerithil and Ecthelor.

Screen caps from the story can be seen on my blog, you can find it on my profile.


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